I Will Wait

If you haven't checked out Mumford & Sons new release, Babel, do it.

 I'll admit to strong hankering for Marcus Mumford.  And if you liked the previous album, I'd say you'll miss some of the spontaniety, but you'll love the mature souful sounds and lyrics.

I Will Wait is one of my favorite tracks. I've seen them perform live for an audience of about 200 people. I feely admit to having a near orgasm looking and listening to these guys.

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

 

Happy Birthday Will

Today marks William Faulkner's 115 birthday. If you ever get to Oxford, Mississippi, a visit to his home Rowan Oak is amazing. I remember walking through the house with a freind of mine an dsecretly wishing he would grope me as we walked through the upstairs rooms.

“Read, read, read. Read everything —trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You’ll absorb it. Then write. If it is good, you’ll find out. If it’s not, throw it out the window.” – Statement at the University of Mississippi, 1947

“Unless you’re ashamed of yourself now and then, you’re not honest.”

“At one time I thought the most important thing was talent. I think now that the young man or the young woman must possess or teach himself, training himself, in infinite patience, which is to try and to try until it comes right. He must train himself in ruthless intolerance — that is to throw away anything that is false no matter how much he might love that page or that paragraph.

The most important thing is insight, that is to be — curious — to wonder, to mull, and to muse why it is that man does what he does, and if you have that, then I don’t think the talent makes much difference, whether you’ve got it or not.”

Ways to Get My Mojo Back

Ways to Get My Mojo Back

I need to get my Mojo back. I need to embark on something new, feel excited and energized and a part of the world again. I’ve hit a plateau and before complete stagnation sets in I have done a bit of research to boost my mojo – desire, passion and motivation.

Change My View:  Environment matters as they say.  My last week in San Francisco was such a breath of fresh air (apart from the stank of certain blocks on Market Street). Since I have had to stop running I need to find a way to be outside on a regular basis – maybe cycling.

Change My Attitude:  I need to envision my “finish line” –and feel what it’s like to have attained my goal. Work backward to determine what it takes to reach that point. Setting small, incremental goals for each stage of the process so that I can keep focused. What does my finish line look like? Emotionally? Physically? Professionally?

Change My Patterns: I fucking hate my commute. Maybe I’ll start taking the train. They say that “when patterns are broken, new worlds can emerge.”

Change My Priorities: If I were to list out my top priorities you wouldn’t see any of these activities listed on my calendar. That’s fucked up.  It is instead filled with meetings for all kinds of other things. My calendar does not lie about where my focus and priorities are, so I need to make it clear that I value my own time for the categories upon which I want to focus.  I need to block out time for activities requiring my attention and adjust the rest of my day accordingly. “Your daily schedule reflects your deepest values.”

Change My Mentor: To be honest, I don’t have one and I think I need a therapist more than I need a mentor, but maybe I am wrong.

Change My Friends: I know the people with whom I surround myself heavily influence me. I’m lacking motivation and feeling down on everything, so it might be time to upgrade my sphere of influence. Negativity breeds negativity, but likewise with positivity, which is the good news. I am surrounded by great and positive people. I’m not clear on how to invigorate and re-connect with friends and family to make that happen.

Change Your Thoughts: One of my favorite pearls of wisdom is that, “You are what you think about.”  Instead of thinking you “can’t do X” or “won’t be able to do Y,” I need to think about my ability to do them: I could do X if…  (need to fill in the blank and then make it actionable). For some reason, my thoughts are clouded with a lot of anxiety and tension. I am stuck a bit on how to change this. Maybe it is a collective effort on everything I mentioned earlier and this will be the end result.

Getting my mojo back is critical for my quality of life so it’s cause for some radical changes and the outright shattering of my own conventional wisdom. Feeling passionate and motivated every day for my work, family and self is a win for me and those that depend on me.

Any help or advice is very welcome. Any efforts to kick me in the ass and make me committ to this are also welcome.

Fine and Getting Stronger

Thanks for all the notes and comments posted expressing your concern. I was touched by your reaching out and works of kindness. To be honest, I am still reeling from my friend’s death. I haven’t completely come to terms with it, but know it (the emotional flood burst)

 is out there lurking just waiting for a time to reveal itself. I’m a big believer in giving in to this as it will be a necessary part of my grieving process.

So in the meantime . . .

I was out on the west coast for a week on a business trip this past week. I texted a buddy I have known for years to meet up. He is a burly, furry hot guy who loves getting into a sweaty maul session with me. Frankly, after last week, I could have used some TLC and maybe a long wet blow job. I am smiling writing this, because that is very far from our usual interactions.

He was stripping down and his tongue down my throat while we were taking off our dress shirts and kicking off our shoes. His scruff scraped my face and by the end of the night, was totally raw. He pretty much tackled me and I was on my back, his knees, spread mine and he was munching on my tits so hard I thought he was going to bite them off.

He then attacked my pits lifted my up and started slapping my ass. Hard. I was vaguely aware of thinking of turning the tide and taking control, but it was kind of nice to just lay back for a change and take the full on assault.

God he was hungry. But I did wake up. I rolled him over and proceeded to a hot 69. His cock tasted amazing and I could feel him pump with his lower torso. I was choking off his air-supply and decided to give him a break. As he leaned back on the headboard, I straddled his stomach and force-fed my cock into his hot waiting mouth. So much for the long breakJ His furry pecs were scraping the underside of my thighs. And when he reached up and gotta hold of my nipples, I could hear his breathing pace hasten and his hips start to push upward.

This was my sign to move down and spread his legs for me. I dove into that hot hairy role and relished the way his juicy hole opened and he pushed his way down on me. I love chewing his butt and nonchalantly stroked his shaved nuts and cock. I began to alternate tonguing his hole and nuts and all of a sudden, he grabbed my face, shoved his dick in my mouth and started slapping my face and skull fucking me.

Fuck. He was calling me a “cocksucker” and all kinds of other shit – surprisingly fun. He squeezed his big nuts together and I really had to stretch my mouth to fit them all in my mouth. I could tell he was going nuts when all of a sudden I felt this warm flush across my cheek.

The fucker shot a huge and I mean huge load all over my face.

As he leaned back against the headboard, apologizing profusely, he admitted that this was the first time he had had sex since May. No wonder the guys shot. As I always do when this happens, I assured him that a man should never apologize for cumming. Nothing for him to be sorry about. I was sort of curious why he hadn’t had sex in so long and was shocked when he told me that he had had a major heart attack in May and that he was in a coma for four days and this was his first sexual encounter since then.

I of course, immediately thought of my friend who passed two weeks ago, who pulled over to the shoulder of the road and didn’t survive his heart attack.

I reached out and held my buddy and stroked his back as he relayed the story of how in the midst of a therapy session, he just leaned his head back. His therapist called 911 and they got him to the hospital and the docs put him in a coma. Long story short, he’s fine and getting stronger. I reminded him, that he hit me like a firehose and there could be no doubt that his strength and vitality are back.

But fuck guys – the second message in a couple of weeks that life is short. I was really happy to be the guy that got my buddy back in the saddle. But sex mixed with sadness is definitely a change for me. I guess a sign of maturity and moving on in life.

In Memorium

Sadly, a very good friend of mine passed away from a heart attack last Thursday. I wrote this for his memorial page and wanted to share this with you all as well.

"In lumine tuo videbimus lumen, the Latin phrase meaning, “In your light we will see light,” reminds me of how my buddy had the ability to draw you in to his world and make you feel like it was the best place to be. In his world, family and friends always came first and the bond of the trio (his wife and child) was unyielding. I know that strength is being tested now, but am comforted to know that he is observing and looking out for his wife and daughter as he always has. I’m going to miss his incredible sense of humor, the masterful way he brought people together, his ability to tell a story, his absolute zero tolerance of bullshit and politics, sharing cigars and scotch, watching  lacrosse and football games - there are so many things, so many ways he shared his light with me and others.

I can’t recall a single time I shared with him that didn’t involve some kind of high jinx and the two of us busting out laughing. Like at an event at an event last year. The guest speaker was about to share a personal and poignant story while outside of the room, in the lobby of XXX Hall, a boxing tournament was about to start. The bass from their DJ was literally shaking the tables in our room and just as our speaker was about to begin, all you could hear was the boxing announcer saying, “weighing in at 175 pounds” . . .and minutes later, “let’s get ready to ruuuuumble.”

Or the time at the Four Seasons restaurant in Manhattan, when during this formal dinner, he launched into his impersonation of a character from “In Living Color.”

Catching his eye during a situation like these was a recipe for disaster. You got caught laughing, misbehaving. Having fun. Being real.

Even when he was being serious – working with his students, leading programs at his school, countless others – he attacked problems head on with intelligence and compassion and yes, also with humor. He had an inherent gift of giving.

There is a run up at his school today that I know I should attend. But I can’t. Not today. I’ll allow for a dark day today. And when the shock and disbelief of this tragedy begins to thaw, I know he will send me that light again.

I know he will."

His wake and burial will be later this week. My friend was an awesome guy who loved and lived well. And he was taken from us way too soon. I feel so profundly sad and broken and worse, like I am floating in this state of disbelief.  His funeral will be with full military honors so i expect to be pretty much a basket case bu thtankful that I have his spirit to remember and the love of our mutual friends to carry us through.

Peace MTE. I love you man.

Out of Nowhere

He reappears and wounds rip open so quickly

You forget the impact

and the pain another can cause you

but you can't chose who you love.

Or how to forget the pain

the endless swimming

the need for stillness

 and sleep. Not sleep. Peace.

What a first day back. Jesus.

Hate My First Day Back

First day back from vacation and already it seems like I am hanging by a thread. I hate the fact that by taking time off -- you are either punished by having to constantly check email or bear the brunt of an onslaught of unread emails. Worse, situations more easily fixed had I read some of these notes are even more complicated to now unravel .

I wonder if this makes me just a bad planner or overworked. I know there are tons of people looking for jobs and I don't mean to be ungrateful, but fuck, i should be able to take some time off and unplug for awhile.

OK, post-vacation rant complete.

Had a great time up in the lake community in the Adirondacks. Beautiful weather and lots of time relaxing and hanging out.

I hope you all had a great break and are geared up for the fall.

I am more than ready for football season to start and tonight watching the Cowboys get spanked by the Giants. Go get em Eli!

Go Eagles!